初冬浴日漫感

　　离开故居一两个月，一旦归来，坐到南窗下的书桌旁时，第一感到异样的，是小半书桌的太阳光。原来夏已去，秋正尽，初冬方到。窗外的太阳已随分南倾了。

　　把椅子靠在窗缘上，背着窗坐了看书，太阳光笼罩了我的上半身。它非但不像一两月前地使我讨厌，反使我觉得暖烘烘地快适。这一切生命之母的太阳似乎正在把一种祛病延年，起死回生的乳汁，通过了她的光线而流注到我的体中来。

　　我掩卷瞑想：我吃惊于自己的感觉，为什么忽然这样变了?前日之所恶变成了今日之所欢：前日之所弃变成了今日之所求;前日之仇变成了今日之恩。张眼望见了弃置在高阁上的扇子，又吃一惊。前日之所欢变成了今日之所恶;前日之所求变成了今日之所弃;前日之恩变成了今日之仇。

　　忽又自笑：“夏日可畏，冬日可爱”，以及“团扇弃捐，”乃古之名言，夫人皆知，又何足吃惊?于是我的理智屈服了。但是我的感觉仍不屈服，觉得当此炎凉递变的交代期上，自有一种异样的感觉，足以使我吃惊。这仿佛是太阳已经落山而天还没有全黑的傍晚时光：我们还可以感到昼，同时已可以感到夜。又好比一脚已跨上船而一脚尚在岸上的登舟时光：我们还可以感到陆，同时已可以感到水。我们在夜里固皆知道有昼，在船上固皆知道有陆，但只是“知道”而已，不是“实感”。我久被初冬的日光笼罩在南窗下，身上发出汗来，渐渐润湿了衬衣。当此之时，浴日的“实感”与挥扇的“实感”在我身中混成一气，这不是可吃惊的经验么?

　　于是我索性抛书，躺在墙角的藤椅里，用了这种混成的实感而环视室中，觉得有许多东西大变了相。有的东西变好了：像这个房子，在夏天常嫌其太小，洞开了一切窗门，还不够，几乎想拆去墙壁才好。但现在忽然大起来，大得很!不久将要用屏帏把它隔小来了。又如案上这把热水壶，以前曾被茶缸驱逐到碗橱的角里，现在又像纪念碑似地矗立在眼前了。棉被从前在伏日里晒的时候，大家讨嫌它既笨且厚;现在铺在床里，忽然使人悦目，样子也薄起来了。沙发椅子曾经想卖掉，现在幸而没有人买去。从前曾经想替黑猫脱下皮袍子，现在却羡慕它了。反之，有的东西变坏了：像风，从前人遇到了它都称“快哉!”欢迎它进来。现在渐渐拒绝它，不久要像防贼一样严防它人室了。又如竹榻，以前曾为众人所宝，极一时之荣。现在已无人问津，形容枯槁，毫无生气了。壁上一张汽水广告画。角上画着一大瓶汽水，和一只泛溢着白泡沫的玻璃杯，下面画着海水浴图。以前望见汽水图口角生津，看了海水浴图恨不得自己做了画中人，现在这幅画几乎使人打寒噤了。裸体的洋囝囝趺坐在窗口的小书架上，以前觉得它太写意，现在看它可怜起来。希腊古代名雕的石膏模型Venus立像，把裙子褪在大腿边，高高地独立在凌空的花盆架上。我在夏天看见她的脸孔是带笑的，这几天望去忽觉其容有蹙，好像在悲叹她自己失却了两只手臂，无法拉起裙子来御寒。

　　其实，物何尝变相?是我自己的感觉变叛了。感觉何以能变叛?是自然教它的。自然的命令何其严重：夏天不由你不爱风，冬天不由你不爱日。自然的命令又何其滑稽：在夏天定要你赞颂冬天所诅咒的，在冬天定要你诅咒夏天所赞颂的!

　　人生也有冬夏。童年如夏，成年如冬;或少壮如夏，老大如冬。在人生的冬夏，自然也常教人的感觉变叛，其命令也有这般严重，又这般滑稽。

　　On Winter Sunshine

　　After being away for a couple of months, I returned to my old home and took my place by the south window, but was surprised to find that most of my desk was now in the shade. Summer was long gone, and autumn was giving way to winter, so naturally enough the sun’s rays were now tilted from the south.

　　I put a chair against the window and, with my back to the sunshine, sat down to read. The sun’s glow enveloped my upper body, and instead of roasting me as it did a couple of months ago, it made me feel warm and cozy. The mother of all living things seemed to be pouring her life-prolonging, regenerating milk into my body through her golden rays.

　　Closing my book, I began to meditate. I wondered how my feelings could change so drastically. What I loathed yesterday had now become my love, and what I threw away yesterday was now my goal. What I hated yesterday had now become my favorite. When I looked up and noticed the fan sitting on the shelf, I was once again shocked. What I loved yesterday was now loathsome, and what I pursued yesterday was now contemptible, what I craved yesterday was now despised.

　　Suddenly I laughed to myself. The summer sun is awesome; the winter sun is lovable, and in autumn moon-shaped fans are all shelved – such sayings are known even to housewives, so why should I make such a fuss about change? My senses yielded, but my sensibilities refused to give in. When summer gives way to autumn, I often feel surprised by the strange feeling that steals over me. It is like nightfall – when the sun has already gone down, but the sky is not yet all dark, we can feel both day and night at once. Or, it is like boarding a ship – when you have one foot on the ship and the other is still on the shore, we can feel both land and sea simultaneously. We all know that there will be day after night and a new shore at the voyage’s end, but this knowledge is only an intuition, not a sensation. After sitting in the sun’s rays by the south window for a long while, I felt my shirt gradually soaked up by the ooze of my sweat. At that moment, the sensation of sunbathing mingled nicely with that of fanning. It was extraordinary!

　　Immediately I put aside my book and, lying down on a rattan chair in the corner, studied the rooms with my ‘new’ sensation. I felt that a number of things had changed, some for the better. In summer, this room seemed too cramped, even with all the doors and windows thrown wide open. At one time I had even wanted to tear down its walls! Now it seemed to have expanded considerably, and if this growth continued, it would soon have to be screened off into compartments. The thermos, which was once pushed into a corner of the cupboard by the teapot, now stood on the table like a monument. The cotton-padded quilt that once seemed so thick and cumbersome when aired in summer’s scorching heat now appeared so thin and comfortable on the bed. I once played with the idea of selling the couch. Thank goodness, no one would buy it. Also, I thought of shaving the fur coat off the black cat’s back, but now wish she would share it with me. However, some things seem to have changed for the worse. The wind, which was once most pleasant, is now unwelcome and will soon be barred at the door as we would block a thief. The bamboo cot, once in everyone’s good graces, is now out of favor. It looks so withered and listless that no one takes any interest in it. On the wall there is a poster, and in one of its corners there is a big bottle of soda water, a bubbling glass, and a beach scene adjacent. In summer the sight of the soda water would make my mouth drool and the beach scene made me dream of joining the swimmers. Now the picture simply makes me shiver with cold. The naked doll, which sits cross-legged on the bookshelf by the window and which once looked so joyful, now appears simply wretched. The plaster statuette of the Greek Goddess Venus, her bath towel sliding to her thighs, still stands high on the Jardinière. During summer days she seemed to all smiles, but now she looks so sullen and miserable. It’s as if she were lamenting the loss of her arms and her inability to pull the towel up for warmth!

　　But it is not the things that have changed, but rather that I was betrayed by my feelings. How could they have done this to me? The answer can be found in Nature. Her decrees are so arbitrary that in summer you cannot reject the company of the wind, and in winter you cannot deny your love for the sun. And her decrees are so odd that she orders you to extol in summer what you cursed last winter and commands you to curse in winter what you loved last summer.

　　Life has winters and summers as well. Childhood is like summer; adulthood like winter. Put another way, youth is like summer; old age like winter. In the winter and summer of life, Nature also brings about a reversal of feelings. As in all things, her decrees are so arbitrary – and so strange!

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